My divorce becomes final today (ahem . . . my second divorce), and over the last week I've come to notice just how much people identify themselves by their marital status. "Why is this so important?" I've been asking myself. At what point did my attachment to a significant other become so . . . significant? There are so many other things that could be used to define me: my career, my hobbies, where I live. I guess these things come into play in some people's minds, and I'm sure that collectively they do say something about who I am. But lately I've been wondering about the institution of marriage and its efficacy--are we socially beating the issue to death? When I take a giant step back and look at my marital history, I see mistakes that (a) I couldn't have seen ahead of time, and (b) probably couldn't have been avoided in a culture where marriage is an assumed goal in life. Should marriage be the social requirement we've made it out to be? Should the concept itself be placed on such a high pedestal, especially with the divorce rate climbing as it is? Have we cheapened it? Diluted it? It seems that way from my end. What am I in the scheme of things, now? Am I "single?" Am I "divorced?" I guess the real question I want answered is, "Do I need a f**king label at all?"
Did I not think my first marriage through before hand? Arguably. Did I get married too quickly the second time? Without question. If I've learned anything at this point, it's that life isn't meant to be shaped by a societally-determined pattern. Bill Watterson stopped drawing Calvin and Hobbes because he no longer found it feasible to conform artistic expression to a preset template, and he was right. Something as important as a meaningful relationship should not take a back seat to a cultural mold. I've spent far too much of my effort on the appearance of authenticity and someone else's idea of happiness. From this point on, I'll focus my energy on a relationship of true authenticity, of honesty, and without regard for its legal status. I owe that to the other person involved; more importantly, I finally owe that to myself.
Observations, rants, and plausible
deniability from a person who refuses
to be a prisoner of his own world.
deniability from a person who refuses
to be a prisoner of his own world.
The Village
I AM WRITING!
My Screenplay -- Draft Three
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On my Kindle 2
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iTunes Radio
I'm driving:
The Honda FCX Clarity
Wednesday, December 07, 2005, posted by Q6 at 12:01 AM
1 Comments:
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You are a SWM who is also a DWM. It hardly defines you, but it is a part of who you are. It's part of your experience, knowledge, character. Instead of divorces one and two (and I can't help think of Thing One and Thing Two from The Cat in the Hat ), perhaps it's better to think of them in terms of relationship lessons one and two. OK, they're not really the first and second lessons that you learned about relationships, but they are tremendously significant lessons in your life that shaped who you are now.
It sounds to me that you're more concerned with the label than other people are -- at least with the reality of dealing with people's reactions and prejudices that relate to it. It's extra work for you to have to show the other sides of you so that you are not just "DWM" -- that you are also made up of your fatherhood, job, hobbies, what you read, eat, and watch on TV. But those choices aren't viewed as seriously as with whom you choose to link your life to. Marriage is a big choice that stands out -- you can't avoid that.
Your growth and self-awareness of who you are is encouraging, though I'm sure you also know that the relationship of true authenticity and honesty is, first and foremost, the one you should be having with yourself.
The other one's just gravy.